Being Open versus Being Vulnerable
I realised recently that there’s a real difference between being open and being vulnerable. We, and by that I also mean I, tend to conflate the two and they are often mistaken for each other. I realised that I’m really good at being open with people but I struggle to be vulnerable.
In my view, being open is often translated into being able to share how you feel and being receptive of differences and challenges. Being vulnerable on the other hand, is deeper than that. The ability to be vulnerable with people means having enough courage to show people who you really are, your fears, flaws and weaknesses. People who struggle with being vulnerable tend to struggle to ask for help, work towards showing only the best version of themselves and although willing to accept others for who they are, aren’t brave enough to give others the chance to accept themselves for who they really are. I know this because I struggle with being vulnerable myself. So with that being said, I will let myself be vulnerable by sharing something I feel vulnerable about.
I have this mentality that regardless of the circumstances that I am in, I must achieve the end that I have set myself to achieve. Regardless of any setbacks I face, I must do whatever it takes (at my own cost) to achieve it. This may to a certain extent have led me to achieve all that I have up to this point but I can’t help but think that when looked at in totality, this mindset has been, on the balance of probabilities, counterproductive.
I thought ‘2022’ was going to be ‘my year’ because (ok don’t judge) of the silly reason that my favourite number is ‘2’ hahaha. But typing this on the first day of 2023 made me realise that although 2022 may have not been what I expected or pictured it to be, the year truly was an important year to me. The year taught me a lot. Well to begin with, I received a conditional pass for my CLP exams. CLP exams are the bar equivalent for law students who studied abroad and wish to practice law here in Malaysia. Local law graduates don't need to take the exams. Receiving a conditional pass in my CLP exams means that I failed one of my papers and need to repeat and pass the paper in order to pass my CLP as a whole. There’s 5 papers in total. I studied for my CLP exams part-time while working full-time. Ahhh let's stop right there. I can't help but notice my innate desire to sort of justify to you readers why I failed one of my papers. But I'll stop myself here and leave it at that. In the spirit of working towards allowing myself to be vulnerable and in normalising the idea that I too am human and am not perfect, I wont ‘explain’ my failure. I failed. And I wont package this in any other way.
Looking back I’m glad I failed a paper for my CLP exams. It was important that I did. Because up to this point my life has overall been relatively rosy. I have almost always achieved what I had set myself to achieve. It was important that I failed so that I learnt how to pick myself back up when life doesn't happen the way I plan it to. And that’s key in life. It's paramount that we understand that just because we don't achieve what we work towards, it doesn't mean 'game over'. That's just life. You fall sometimes. What's key is that you pick yourself back up. Now that I have experienced failure, I feel liberated. I feel quite ironically, invincible. I feel that no matter what happens in the future, I will be able to face it, I will be able to move on from disappointments and have confidence that I can still keep on going. I feel as if I'm able to face any setbacks. Love this, I love how stronger my mindset has become.
I remember how refreshing it felt when one day a colleague pointed out a mistake that I did, instead of trying to justify my mistake or worse make it seem like I didn’t make a mistake, I instead said “Thank you for pointing that out, I will be more careful in the future”. That was such a big moment for me. I felt liberated. In that moment I was free from the thinking and expectation that I had to be perfect.
Ok you guys are probably thinking “daym her parents must be really strict”. But no, you’re wrong, well at least they weren’t with me. The stress and pressure I felt and feel is self-imposed. I remember calling my mum on the walk back from the library after studying from 8 a.m until 3 p.m on a weekend during the final year of law school and mum told me that I deserve a break and that “Great! so you can watch a movie and relax now” and in my complete disagreement with what she had suggested, I immediately responded with a “No mum, I'm just gonna go back to quickly eat lunch and pray. I’m gonna go back to the library to study till night after this”. This conversation I had on the phone with my mum pretty much sums up the dynamics between my parents and I. Graduating law school with first class honours was my idea. I expected myself to. I thought that because I didn't go to Cambridge or Oxford, the least I could do is graduate with first class. And I did. Thank God.
Because I've never truly been vulnerable with those around me besides perhaps my immediate family, I noticed that there is a limit to the depths of my friendships. Don't mistake this as being fake. I am genuine with people but I limit the depth of the friendship I receive although I put no limit to the friendship I give. This is translated into me being able to accept my friends for who they are but I would never think to reach out to my friends when I'm struggling and fear that they would not be able to accept me for who I am. I expect myself to be perfect for those around me. So when I struggle or go through 'imperfect' moments I keep them to myself. Nevertheless, I deeply believe that in order to experience the true depths of friendships and relationships, we would firstly need to be comfortable with being vulnerable. And that is exactly what I'm working on for this year and the years to come.
While writing this post there’s this nagging voice at the back of my head questioning the point of speaking out into the open of my failures and sharing my uncool side. There’s probably some truth in that but I’d rather have people in my life who chose to stay after knowing me for who I really am - inclusive of the uncool and unimpressive sides of me. It’s 2023 and I’m tired of being perfect for other people. I’m not perfect and those who understand that are welcomed to stay in my life.
Here's to being unapologetically you, and vulnerably so oxo
p.s. I'm trying to be more consistent with my posts, will try to post every 1st of the month.
Hadir - AI
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