Lights, Camera, Action!

*Coughs to break awkward 5 months worth of silence 

Well hello there! Welcome to my blog :)

  Wow, I'm surprised that my visitors have doubled ever since my absence. Anyhow I'm back and kicking! So this come back-of-a-post will be fully on BANGSAWAN, this annual theater event at my college which is a big event and contributes a hell lot to the four houses we have.

So it all started with the season of auditions which is compulsory for all juniors and judged by the seniors (a flashback unfolds in my head as if on cue) Now let's make things clear, acting is (or I guess was ;) ) one of those things that I just don't bother to get involved with because.. 

a) I was never given the chance so..

b) it didn't cross my mind

  Just like every thing in life, you don't really know what you're missing out until one day.. you try it. Come to think of it, I didn't really try it, I was possessed by the fear of being vented with anger by the seniors who had a list of people who did not come to audition. So yeah with a push from a friend, I went. At the beginning of the audition, the seniors showed us the video of Bangsawan from the previous year and boy did that do the trick. I was wowed and inspired which led  to me wanting to at least give my best in the audition. I remember hearing my name being called but I pretended at that moment that the name was not mine which did not help because, Chimmey, the house captain knew me. I asked my friend to record me and I was awful. I had no expression and my intonation was off. But then, I guess I did okay enough for the seniors to give me another script. To my luck, the lines I had to do showcased jealousy. The one thing I know too well, so yeah I just said the lines like how I would with my arms crossed, eye brows arched, one finger on cheek with a thinking face on. It worked! They applaud :)

  To make things short, I got the role. The main role as a matter of fact. I might seem void of emotions compared to the typical jumping up and down reaction people usually give but it's just because I'm stepping into the oblivion so you don't really know what to expect. I was given a role named 'Melur' (A name of a flower) who was soft, kind, Disney-princess-sort-of-nice and well you get the idea. A role that suited my face but certainly did not suit my character if you were to know me in depth. Opps that came out wrong, okay I don't mean that I'm evil and twisted it's just that I'm quite cold and somewhat emotionless on the surface.

 So the day came where we were to have our first rehearsals. I thought I was prepared and like always, I miscalculated. It slipped my mind that I had to act with someone who I have never talked to before (expect for the casual 'thank you' you say to someone who opens the door for you which is pretty insignificant so yeah) Acting with a new person is one thing but acting some cheesy love scenes brings it to a whole new level. (hahaha Boon please don't read this, or if you already are please skip this part :p) So the next day on my way to to the toilet I bumped into the guy (Boon) who my character, Melur, would supposedly marry with. Before I knew it, I said "Hi!" (daym I'm brave) and in response, with a thinking face on he said "Hi, you're Anis right?" (omg why did I even bother again -____- ) I rolled my eyes and said yes and after some few seconds and steps I looked back and said 'Hey I think we should be friends' So from that point on we became friends :)

  Now for those of you who know me well or for those of you who are loyal readers of my blog you'd probably know by now that my life isn't this smooth. So to prove my point, two weeks or so before the big day, the seniors confronted me and told me that I was inconsistent, I wasn't delivering my role and everybody else did well except for me. Now, I didn't blame them and I agreed with them. At that point I was furious with myself but at the same time I didn't know how to change and in what way should I correct things. One night some seniors came to my room and talked to me. I was anxious at first, I thought that they'd probably have decided that they were going to kick me out and they were just gonna pass the news in person. I was wrong. They did the opposite. 

  There I was on the verge of giving up on myself and hating myself in the process. Just imagine going for rehearsals every day and seeing your seniors and friends on their toes trying to work on the props and deco while you on the other hand, the main actress, didn't perform and literally anchored everybody down. Only God knew how guilty I felt. And to make things worse, the efforts I gave didn't help change things. So back to the night where three seniors came to my room. At first they voiced out everything that I felt inside, assuring me that I should feel guilty. Soon on they pointed out that they chosen me for a reason, I had it in me and they saw that during the auditions. At that point this belief  that I actually could do it was budding. And then one senior, Farahin pointed out that I should stop feeling like I'm not good enough for the role and convinced me to let go of the past and start tomorrow's practice with a fresh new start and start acting my version of Melur :)

                                                     The people who made it possible

 I finally understood. I was new, a rookie, a newbie in the world of acting so I followed every advice. I would move and talk the exact way I was told, which is far from acting. I finally understood why I did bad. I was memorizing what to do, every move, every gesture which as you can guess led to an act that had no emotions to it. I understood why I did well in the auditions and seemed to loose it during rehearsals. The line I got during the auditions was so me. As in, it was something I would say in life and had no problem in acting it out. As a matter of fact I didn't have to act it out. I just had to BE ME. BOOM. I finally understood. I started saying my lines and acted as how I would if I was in the situation myself, and it helped tremendously.

The unsung Heroes.

  Things progressed and the big day was near. I was doing better but I did have trouble with the love scenes which I to this day feel is much harder than the angry plus betrayed last scene, simply because I have always made an effort to hide how I feel when it comes to love and I literally act the opposite of how I feel at times plus I've never had a boyfriend (because I choose not to, you'd probably understand if you read my previous post on love) Ersya and Mag really helped with this part. You have no idea how much effort was given by the seniors and of course myself and Boon to make sure the love scenes was on point which may seem easy for an average person to act out but for me... it was a bunch of training of looking into each other's eyes for a whole 2 minutes, having to bear with the uncomfortable close gap when acting just like how two people are when they fall in love with each other and I finally understood that 'looking into his eyes' meant that you had to look into his eyes as if you wanted to do it forever *chuckles. I owe Boon for being patient and understanding :) And I also had problems with trying to not eat my words and rush them which is exactly how I speak in life when I'm excited.

The boys.

                                   
 So to me, Bangsawan was much more than acting, it changed my life in so many ways. It gave me the opportunity to become friends with so many people and helped me become more confident in being expressive in public. I have always lived a double life (not that I intend to). One where I was me with the ones I am close to and one where I doubted myself, felt insecure, kept things to myself and didn't give myself the liberty to express my feelings freely. Which is exactly why my close friends, those who I have open up to, always say that I am nothing (nothing) close to the first impression they had towards me.

  What kept me going was definitely the support I got from my friends, Tasha (the one who woke up at 3 a.m in the morning just to help me with my lines), Boon (the guy who was understanding and patient enough to bear with my extreme shyness in the love scences and who is kind enough to not hate me for making all those faces that I know offended you Boon but I swear I didnt mean it in that way), Hana (for supporting me emotionally), Ester (who woke up a lot of times to my acting in the wee mornings and late nights), the effort from everybody in Bangsawan and of course, the seniors, Ersya (the biological older sister who I never had and the one who made acting so much more especially the love scenes *chuckles;), Ezaq (who believed in me), Chimmey (who believed in my potential), Mag, Aishah (for trusting me),  Farahin (who made me actually believe I could do it and see things in a positive light, gosh you'd make a good psychologist), Nazura, Wahidah, Ben Yap (who bought up the mood and was cool to have around), Itik and Zamel (Emm I just felt like mentioning you guys :) and everybody else who gave support that literally overwhelmed me and most importantly didn't give up on me even though I was already starting to give up on myself.

 Hana, Tasha, Ester, and I

  Have you ever wondered why you remember certain memories from the past, some parts of the past that you feel is insignificant but you remember it anyway. Well I read somewhere that the things from the past that you remember to this very day are usually the events that hold strong emotions to it. So as I grow old, I hope I remember the things that happened during bangsawan if not, I hope I remember the night where I pretended to sulk/'merajuk' with boon because Ersya told me to after Boon didn't call me as nice as Ersya wanted so I pretended to leave but I laughed anyway all the way at how silly I was and sat down so Boon couldn't bring me back to where we were practicing and we ended up running like crazy to hide ourselves from the other people from the other houses (we had to keep it a secret that we were acting) and then Ben Yap a senior served as a distraction by dancing some random moves. I don't know why but in that moment, although I was laughing so hard I felt the culmination of joy from being around with these crazy fun people, happiness from knowing that I'm a part of this family but also sad because I knew too well that this will end soon. 

Garnet takes lunch

  We didn't really win first place and things didn't really go smooth on the technical side but I remember having the time of my life. I remember whispering to myself "It's okay I'll just try to compensate with good acting" during the first scene when a technical error caused a minute delay. I remember the look of worry in everybody's eyes which made me realize how much Bangsawan meant to them which in turn made me more spirited to do well. I remembered the joy I felt when I was standing behind the curtains after doing the last scene as my other co-actress killed her last part that served as a plot twist to the story.  To be honest I didn't feel down or upset when I knew I wasn't the best actress because I started from literally zero, and to come so far, I am content. And something happened after our performance that made me feel somewhat accomplished. My 5 year old brother asked me whether I was sad during the last scene, his exact words "Akak Anis, Akak Anis sedih ke tadi?" Now you know for him to ask that meant that he felt the emotions that I tried to portray during the last scene and kids are innocent beings so they tend to tell the truth. SO YEAH, BEST UNINTENDED COMPLIMENT EVER! I made a 5 year old feel my acting! 

  I'm sure gonna miss the rehearsals we had and the vocal training  which my voice was never loud enough even when I gave it my best. It was one hell of a ride guys ;) thanks for riding with me.

Chimmey plus Mag (The house captains)

My mother who gave me strength and wisdom and drove all the way to my college just to make sure things were all right

                     

The whole fam.

xoxo